I visited my past self recently…
That sentence sounds a little strange, but with the transformative path I’ve been purposefully walking, I know I am a different person today than I was four years ago. Today, I professionally teach self love exercises, so my next statements may seem very unloving at first pass: I didn’t really enjoy meeting my old self. I never want to be “her” again. I was given a profound experience that allowed me to visit and live in the consciousness of my old self and it was not comfortable for me anymore. My old self was actually the unloved self, working so hard to create a safe life for her children, that she created an unsafe life for herself.
I have always been a protective mother, watching over many aspects of my children’s lives…being especially protective of their physical well being was a quality that I was especially proud.
You should have seen me – running from the top of the slide, after setting the child carefully in the ready position. I would careen down steps to reach the bottom of the slide before they moved one muscle to get down by themselves. I was so attentive to making sure that they wore their helmet while riding a bike, providing healthy food to eat and generally advising caution when doing any activity that might cause bodily harm. My oldest son is actually a little angry at me that I didn’t allow him to get dirty more as a child – he wishes he had gotten to play in more sandboxes because it has now been proven that this dirtiness actually helps children create a resistance to illness throughout life!
My old self felt that protecting my child from any bodily harm was the highest version of a mother that I could be, but my new self knows otherwise.
As a young mother, I envisioned the boys playing golf, or tennis, or basketball even, but absolutely NO football because that seemed too dangerous. Ha! All three of my boys chose soccer, exclusively. I had no knowledge of soccer rules when my oldest began playing soccer, and back then I certainly didn’t realize that soccer is actually a contact sport – not just contact with the ball, but as an older player with other large, muscular and fast young men. Through hundreds of soccer games I watched with extreme anxiousness as my children endured various emotional and physical challenges.
My eldest son struggled to get off the bench. His passion and work ethic surpassed his talent and unfortunately he quit the team. It hurt me to know I couldn’t protect him from that disappointment. My second son played the dangerous and important goalie position. He was constantly being physically challenged, flying horizontally through the air towards metal posts to catch a rocket ball. I always said that a good game was a game in which he wasn’t injured in the line of sports duty. He loved this imminent danger sports experience and any words of caution, or my standard line of, “It is just a game honey” was met with the “mom doesn’t get it” look.
My youngest child had watched his older brothers play soccer and at just a few years age started to show his fervent love for the game. His love of the game overshadowed every soccer injury he was to endure over his 8 years of playing competitive soccer, and he certainly had more than his share of serious soccer injuries. His first injury was his worst at 10 years old when he almost lost his arm. While on the ground, with his arm literally in two pieces, I focused only on my power to run healing energy through me for him. He stayed so calm and we just looked into each other’s eyes as he waited almost an hour for emergency personnel to get him off the field. Later the surgeon said he had never seen a bone “magically” move back into place like his did. Healing energy “magic” helped my son keep his arm. On the way home from the hospital, my sweet ten year old boy told me, “Mommy, I knew it was going to be okay. I just knew it.”
I believe Angels were speaking loudly to him, giving him a sense of peace the second it happened.
That injury followed with 2 more broken wrists, 2 concussions and various other serious muscular and bodily injuries. I continued to encourage tennis, golf, track, essentially any sport but soccer. However, his love and passion for the game was unwavering. I knew that to forbid him from playing would have broken his heart.
That reluctant permission to continue to allow him to play soccer came to a crossroads for me when in the second to the last game of his senior year he chipped 7 teeth in a collision with one of his own players. Dental accidents have been a part of my medical trauma past; my trip on a concrete playground at 6 years old resulted in procedures into my mid-adult life and thousands of dollars. After that injury, the emotional trauma around dental procedures showed up again and again for me. So, this chipped teeth accident WAS IT! This mother wasn’t going to allow ONE MORE GAME! I had HAD IT as my own mother of ten children used to say…
NO MORE SOCCER!
Now, there had been a lot of spiritual growth in those three boys’ lives through the sport of soccer, but my utmost concern had been their physical wellbeing – not equally valuing the lessons of hard work, team play, commitment, self worth, etc. When I drew the line in the sand for my very spiritually and emotionally conscious son, he knew he was coming up against a powerful force. Everywhere I turned I tried to recruit others to support my lone decision. People were not lining up to support my hard line though. They were tending to look out for their own interests – my son was the captain of the team and one of the star players and the district playoffs were coming up. They knew the team would be challenged to win without one of their best players, my son.
Very cautiously and compassionately, my son asked me to rethink my decision. He told me that he knew that it was his body, his life and that while he respected my feelings, he felt it should be his own decision. Then my husband said he didn’t support my edict. This was the wake up call that sent me examining my own actions and decisions a little more closely.
Through a loving examination of my actions, I realized that they were all based on fear and trauma of past experiences of my own health issues and my children’s.
I was actually pulling those traumas back into my being because I hadn’t fully explored and healed those experiences. I got to see the power that fear had on my life and thankfully once I saw it clearly, saw what it was actually DOING TO ME, I was able to choose something other than fear. My only moment is NOW, and this is the moment I now choose to consciously connect with. Right now, my son is fine and my family is fine. That is where I can place my attention. He played in the playoff game, and only got a bloody nose. I handled the sight of him with blood running down his nose with the same calm and grace that he had mirrored for me all along the way, from his very first accident.
My son gave me an experience to once again claim my new knowing – that FEAR of some falsely created possible future event is not loving myself and those around me.